Saturday, April 30, 2011

the beauty of today....

once again, what to write about. i am tempted to write about the beautiful day. it has been gorgeous. it seems like over night green leaves have popped out on our front tree. all those weeks of waiting for buds to appear and now there are little leaves, preparing to grow, making the tree become fuller and much more lush and beautiful. i have a bird feeder in that tree. it's a beautiful bird feeder, and the birds are all over it. i love it when i see the cardinals, yellow finches, wood peckers, and countless sparrows. yes spring is unveiling in all of its splendor. i don't know about you, but, it's felt like winter has lasted longer than years past, and now there has finally been that break through.
as i sit here and think of all of the beauty of nature all around me, i thank God for His wonderful gift of the earth, and i am reminded in 1Cor. 2:9 However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." to me this means that we can't even begin to imagine with our mortal eyes the awesome beauty, etc., that God has prepared for those of us that love Him. i often think if the beauty of the earth is so breath taking in so many ways.....i wonder what heaven must be like....no way humanly possible to describe it.
the thought of this totally blows my mind. so, today was a gorgeous day, it seems it's easy on beautiful days like this to choose "joy". may i be strong enough on the days filled with rain to do the same.

Beautiful One

Friday, April 29, 2011

together, we can look to Him

God is bringing such a calmness over me. what a wonderful feeling to sense that. having bipolar can be kind of like riding on a roller coaster sometimes, and then when you make it to a place, where you sense tension release, the body and the mind loosen up and slow down and it is such an over all feeling of complete comfort. it doesn't matter however what is causing me to be downcast, or what brings on the tensions, tightness, tangled ball full of emotions, the Lord encourages me that He is the lifter of my head (Psalm 3:3-But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, my glory, and the lifter of my head). i must make myself look to the possibilities and not the problems. lift my heart, my head, and my hands to Him and release that which causes a weight to pull me down, and sometimes deep down. releasing this weight will bring such joy to my soul, but, i can't just release it to anyone, it must be to my Heavenly Father. what i need to do more of is: lift my eyes, head, and heart and take inventory of my blessings and not my problems. God wants me to look to Him because He has plans to bless. maybe some of what i have written strikes a chord in your heart. and, if so let the Lord be the lifter of your head, and with me, together we can look to Him.

I Will Lift My Eyes

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Great Light Of The World!

Great light of the world fill up my heart, I need you to mend me and make me whole. None of us can do it alone, we need the strength from God on high as we travel through this life, it's not just the destination that's important, it's also the journey. there are days when we have an emotional or spiritual high, and then there are days, that can seem routine. of course we all know about the days that we have in which we feel so down, but God never leaves! He is and will always remain right by our side.


Great Light Of The World

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

An Encounter with God?

i woke up this morning so early it was 3:15 a.m. i whispered to scott, and told him, i was going to go and rest on the couch. i don't like to stay and toss and turn because obviously this would make it difficult for scott to sleep, and i know me well enough to know that usually once awake, it's not going to be simple for me to fall back asleep. so, i went out into the living room sat down on the couch, and just sat there for a while with a blank stare on my face. i then decided to grab my laptop. i opened it up and started to read a post from my blog, "transparent thoughts" titled "When God speaks do i listen?" i listened to the song, "Be Still" through my ear buds,and early in the morning as i listened to this beautiful piano piece with scripture verses God began to speak to me, but, at this point in time i didn't realize just how powerful it would be. after listening to this, i then started trying to find a song that would go with a post i had written on monday. this post was not at all light-hearted, but was very much heart felt, God gave me a song this morning and now it is posted. the song usually reiterates the post i've just written, and really speaks to my soul, the song that is posted now, i believe God led me to it.
i just kept being drawn back to the song "Be Still." listening to it several times. and through the ear puds, i now could hear the storm. i could see it light up, and then hear the faint rumbling. i listened to the song a couple times more, then took out my ear puds. it was now 5:15 a.m. and i thought that i should at least try and get maybe 45 minuets worth of sleep and so i tried, but, of course could not. so, as i sat there i started to speak the 23rd Psalm very quietly out loud over and over, and kept coming to the phrase "surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life." and each time i said it, i said it as if, surely, goodness, and mercy was going to follow me all around for the rest of my life. but, what it really meant was that goodness and mercy would definitely be following me everywhere for the rest of my life as long as i followed God. this was a done deal as long as i followed the King. so, "for sure" it would happen!
what i thought of next as i sat there thinking and pondering on the 23rd Psalm was as well interesting. but, first let me set it up by saying this. i've often heard it said, and have often repeated these lines. 1. God strategically places you where you are at for particular reasons; 2. you are where you are for such a time as this; 3. there is never a coincidence with God. 
so, i tell you that to say as i sat there i thought, now, if these statements are true, which i believe them to be. then that meant that God had an appointment set for Kim Bostic on Wednesday, April 27, 2011 @ around 3:15 a.m. whether i knew it or not. and that He intended on me encountering Him. i thought: do i really listen when He speaks?, thoughts regarding the 23rd Psalm and what's following me forever, as long as i stick close to the King, kept flooding my mind(side note: who by the way He loves being with me too, as a matter of fact, He longs to have a close and personal relationship with me, longs to be my friend, and just loves to hear from me...all of the time.)
as i sat on my lovely couch, i spoke out to God, i know He was everywhere but, for some reason, i kept addressing the adjacent chair to my right. He was there, He wanted time with me. the last several days i have been feeling and sometimes even believing that He was not hearing my cries. but, He was, and He is, and He will continue to.  sometimes and so very often it is a still small voice. but, after this morning, and the encounter i had with Him, i believe it was a tad bit louder. Lord You are great, You are Holy, You are lovely, You are gracious, and You will never, no never leave my side.....i love you my precious Lord and Savior. 

Word Of God Speak
http://youtu.be/SD2MBlWz1UU

&
When You Speak To Me

Monday, April 25, 2011

Ultimately it must be given over to God...but, in our case it is being done one day at a time.

when you know what you've done is right and it was the only thing you could do. why does it hurt so bad? you really don't have a "network" of friends that you can reach out to for help, encouragement, comfort, or prayer. and those that you thought you did have, aren't saying too much and don't check on you to see how you are doing. it's almost as if you've fallen off the face of the earth. is that just the way humans are? i've come to the place in which i've almost stopped asking myself that question. maybe instead of looking to humans so much,i should be looking to God. maybe i've been looking too much to other people for encouragement, care, compassion, understanding, prayer, fellowship & friendship. So, instead of waiting and hoping that someone will contact me. i need to just refocus, getting my eyes off of people and unto God, which i know would be the best medicine i could use to feed my hurting soul. i can't go back, it's no longer there to take back, i can't jump ahead and grab tomorrow, i don't even know if i'll be around to do so. i have now though. so, instead of wishing, hoping, longing, telling myself i need for others to show and share some understanding and kindness, maybe i need to just look past "the people" and focus solely on the Lord. i must say that in my wildest dreams i never thought that if something were to take place as it has, that i would feel so desolate, sad and blue. but, you see....that's just it. that's what happens when you rest on your feelings, other people, and not solely on God, because people will let you down. all of us have heard that before, i have so why should it come as a surprise? God wouldn't want me to keep looking back or thinking about what should be happening because it's the right thing to do....i didn't write the book, on what the right thing to do is....God did. so, what should i do?

  • get my eyes off of myself and problems.
  • get my eyes off of other people and my expectations of them, they are human, they will fail.
  • look around me and see the hurting and those who don't know the Lord and reach out in love.
  • take a look around me and see people that are really hurting.
  • remain confident that our family made the right decision based on the circumstances we were put in.
  • pray that God's will is done, take my hands off and let God do the job.


if i allow God to guide me, and if i put forth the effort to do as listed above, i believe there will be a big change in my heart. it is a prayer for me to never become bitter. if i do bitterness will take over and squeeze the life out of me, and the inward beauty that the Lord intended, such as letting my light so shine before men that they may see His good works and glorify the Father which is in heaven, will be destroyed, much like what a weed does to a flower. the weed squeezes the life completely out of the flower, the flower wilts and dies. i never want that to happen in my life. it is so easy for something like this to take place if i allow myself to focus on the negative, live in the past, and look to people and become obsessed with actions in which i totally disagree with. but, once again, i didn't write the book on what's right and wrong. however, i know who did...God and i believe with all of my heart He will allow the truth to be revealed within His time frame. a verse in the Word of God that comes to my mind is: "Whatsoever you sow that shall ye also reap." that verse is relevant to each of us, not just me, not just one particular person(s), but, to everyone. may we sow seed that is beneficial, lovely, and positively life changing, so that we may reap a harvest of good,where there are souls coming to know Christ & lives are being brought closer to Christ, and the Kingdom of God is growing stronger.
there may be some who can't figure out why this whole situation can't just settle and be a thing of the past. my answer to that is: unless you are walking in these shoes or the shoes of my family can you fully know how each day plays itself out. Ultimately it must be given over to God....but, in our case it is being done one day at a time. and, through it all and in every season HE is there and will be there to never let me go.

Through It All
http://youtu.be/zeIGan5YD9Q

Saturday, April 23, 2011

God had a different plan.

how amazing to even begin to fathom such love. knowing that you were blameless but because of pure, unconditional, sacrificial love, you give the complete and ultimate sacrifice, for a world who at the time pretty much hated you. all you had ever given was love. all you had ever done, was love, every bit and every ounce of you...love. and yet now people hated you, wished for your death, and ultimately because you willingly gave up your life, that's what they received. they didn't know this but, it was God's perfect will and plain unveiling, right before their eyes. i'm sure most of the mob, felt a huge sense of fulfillment, because they had received what they ultimately wanted and set out to do...kill this man, who called Himself the King of the Jews, how dare Him to exalt Himself to such a place. So, they crucified Him, and when He died He declared, "It Is Finished." His body was placed in a borrowed tomb. those that killed him thought that they had rid themselves of a man that had only shown love but one who they had become so swelled with jealousy over and now, it appeared as if they had won. those that loved Him were filled with anguish, grief, and sorrow. And, now we wait, for Sunday will come, because God had a different plan.

Mercy Said, "NO!"

Friday, April 22, 2011

lack of joy...lack of strength

i never thought that i would do this on my blog. but, it is called "transparent thoughts" so, i suppose i'm not too far off in left field for going to where i am going to go. i have always been under the impression that God uses the weak of this world, those who are driven to their knees, those who live with scars to influence those who need Christ. i suppose it's two fold though. God does not want to just use the weak, but, He wants the weak to be an example of how one can be weak then made strong through Christ Jesus. there are words like restore, revive, refines, repent in the Bible. i have been told that i am weak. that there are still things that i am afraid of, that at this point in time should be over. that i need to grab a hold of myself so that i can be a great example to my children, on how Christianity can make a person strong, and i have not done this. most of this is true. so, as you see most of this is transparency. i know i have never once put myself on display or even have projected myself as one who could be used as an example of what Christ is like. i try to daily stay in His Word and i am striving to reach that goal, i am striving to become more like Christ. but, i fail miserably, and it seems i fail more than i succeed. maybe this is all coming across as a pity party, and you may be thinking, why in the world would she write an entire post on how much she fails. well, to begin with this is my first and quite possibly my last post such as this. however, this is supposed to be transparent, this lies heavy on my heart, and i felt so compelled to share it. joy is one of the most powerful weapons we have against satan, and a big question enters my mind, why don't I get some joy, and quit talking so negative. in my heart of hearts at this moment i feel quite "joyless" so i suppose i am opening myself up to satan to steal my joy. obviously, that's the case so i should cling to joy because it is a great source of strength that God has given to interrupt satan's plan. if i allow him to destroy me, i am useless for the Kingdom, i loose my strength and i allow satan to walk all over me. however, i need to remember that the joy of the Lord is my strength & I can do all things through Christ who is my strength. through joy, i can receive strength to do things that would other wise be impossible. what is amazing is that there is nothing that satan can do to stop me when my heart is full of joy. now, maybe i've been all over the map today with this post, and i suppose that's OK. i was taking the time to just jot down the thoughts that were on my heart and in my mind. hopefully something that i said will ring true to you, for that is my one and only goal.

His Strength Is Perfect

Thursday, April 21, 2011

because you had no other choice...

sometimes in life you have to make decisions that aren't always the decisions you want to make, but, because of situations that arise around circumstances, hard decisions have to be made. some decisions are easy to make, you make them and you are done with it. others can be more difficult, you think it over, you pray and then the decision is made, and life carries on. And, then there are the huge decisions in which there is absolutely no wiggle room. i'm talking about a decision in which there really is no choice. it is really difficult making these type of decisions, many tears may be shed, you bathe it in prayer,  you pray and wish for other alternatives, but, the bottom line is the decision needs to be made, you cross that line, and then you move forward, following God with every part of your being and looking with anticipation for what He has already prepared, and has now come back to take your hand and guide you in His way. Most likely there will be those who won't agree with your decision, but, that is mostly because they may not know the circumstances surrounding the reason(s) behind why the decision was made. making a decision that effects so many is not at all easy. it can tear at you heart, but you know deep down inside it was the only one you could make, because you had no other choice.

With All I Am
http://youtu.be/3034eMLM-R4

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

a better perspective...

words just won't flow. i feel like i have part of my mind that's asleep. the interesting thing is, i haven't been able to sleep for the last couple of nights. last night i enjoyed listening to the thunderstorm, as i felt like my eyes were attempting to be forever stuck in one position....open. but, as i sit here complaining about the fact that i haven't been able to sleep, thoughts begin to flood over my mind and i begin to think about all of the catastrophes that are happening all around me. japan, the tornado's, the floods, the war, the war, the war,etc., etc. and the more i think, the more i realize just how much my lack of sleep means absolutely nothing in comparison to all of the millions of people who have been directly effected by horrible tragedies, and how many have even died. i never want to loose the sensitivity of knowing that my situation is nothing in comparison to what many others have gone through, and are going through. when i allow myself to think along this route it puts things into perspective. so, i have a few sleepless nights....i have God who takes care of me, a house to live in, a family that loves me, a dog, a cat, a couple of cars, people who care for me...an average american family, living an average american life. so, who really cares if i sometimes can't sleep, why concentrate on something, when put in the whole scheme of things means nothing, yes, absolutely nothing. i thought i was having a problem thinking clearly and had a problem finding something to write about, i can see now that i had no problem coming up with something to write about, just needed to look past myself and my "problems" and get a better perspective.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

when God speaks do i listen?

when God speaks do i listen? a thought that is on my mind this morning. i must admit that many times because i have allowed the noise and clutter of this world and the negative voice of Satan to become so loud that i do not become quiet enough to hear the still small voice of God. God longs for a relationship with me. to think that i am His and He is mine, I am His friend, and He is my friend, blows me away. He wants me as His friend to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. He longs for me to turn the world off, become still and listen to His voice because He often speaks and i do not hear. once again however, i must be still. He longs to speak to me, to guide me, to let me know that i am loved, that He cares, and He wants my heart to be renewed daily. but, i must listen, i must live my life worshiping Him. He wants a personal and intimate relationship with me....how simply amazing! He is my Shepherd and as a follower of Christ, I am one of His sheep, much like a sheep that knows the voice of it's Shepherd, i too must recognize it, and follow the ultimate voice of Truth. But, if i allow the noise of this world to become so loud, that i do not tune my ear to Him then i will not receive the message that He so earnestly wants me to hear. may i stop what i am doing, shut off the noise of this world, turn my ear from the one who wishes to destroy me and turn and tune it to the voice of God. but, first i must be still....for He truly is speaking.


Be Still

Sunday, April 17, 2011

a road that i must not take....

at the end of the day, i stop and think, of the  warmth, care, comfort, support, and love that envelopes me. the house is quiet, and i look and see the evidence of a family that lives here that fills my life with such joy. of course our family is at a time of trying to make sense of it seems so many things, and yet there is love, love that is rooted so deeply. it is such a comforting feeling to know that with Christ there is nothing that we cannot get through. i must admit though that there have been things revealed within the last several months that i never dreamed we'd ever have to deal with as a family. you think not our family, or this can't possibly be happening, or that it can't be true that these things took place. if you allow yourself to think too deeply it can just about burn a hole in your heart, eat it up and fill you with such anger, and yet deep inside you realize that in doing so, it would be the exact action you should not take, it's a road you know you must not take. i've been tempted and i have had to fight such emotions. do i still have to keep myself from becoming so overwhelmed with anger that i could just about spit fire? yes, you better believe i have. I've looked at the circumstances, ran over it with a fine tooth comb, dissected it over, and over again, thought of it sometimes too deep, way too deeply, because in doing so, anger has risen up inside of me to the point of exploding and pouring all of it's ugly contents all over the inside of my entire being. i can just imagine it running down and coming in contact with all that indwells within me. But, there's a Spirit that lives within me that says Kim, this is not what you want to do, you want (NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS) to give it over to me, each and every time. i have come so close to hating, i have become so close to detesting, the violation, the victimisation, and have felt many times that i would be justified in doing so. but, am i really? no. because who am i? how can i judge? i am merely a sinner myself saved and covered by the the grace of God. if not for His grace, i could easily fall into the deepest pit of sin. each day i sin, so, who am i to become so haughty and view myself as better? i am nothing but, by the blood that Jesus Christ so freely shed for me. if i want to be a piece of clay that can be molded and made into His image, i must be soft and pliable, flexible, and willing to be molded. God is not finished with me yet. the thought of becoming hard, and brittle, is a thought that i don't wish to entertain. to be put on a shelf because i can no longer be used in the masters hand is a place that i don't even want my mind to go to. yes, wounds can be fresh, but the only one that can take care of them is the healing hand of Jesus. not me, not anyone around me, only the tender and gentle hand of my blessed and precious Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Rescue

Saturday, April 16, 2011

turn it over to Jesus, because i just can't do it on my own....

it has been brought to my attention that lately i have been writing things that seem deep, and that i have even come across as somewhat sad, or depressing. what i have to say to that is: first of all, i am a very deep thinker, sometimes i think too deep, if you know what i mean. secondly, i have a situation that is going on around me that is very difficult right now. trying to figure it out on my own, is like me taking a chisel and trying to break a whole brick wall down with it....not going to work at all, no matter how hard i try. so the choice that i have is to turn to Jesus. do i do an excellent job of turning to Him each and every time the thought of my circumstance comes to my mind?no. plain and simple, no. but, i desire with all of me to do just that.....turn to Him and allow Him to give me all that i need to handle, the questions that i have no answers to, the pain that i can't take away, the tears that i can't seem to dry, the emptiness that i can't seem to fill, and the security that i can't seem to replace. i can't handle this alone. it has to come totally from Christ, not kim. so, yes something weighs heavy on my heart, fills it full of pain and sorrow, even anger, and disgust. so, to try and handle it on my own, would completely tear me up inside and turn me into something that i don't wish to be. so, what is my answer? how do i handle such a thing? turn it over, not just to anyone, but to Jesus. i can't do this alone.


I Turn To You









Friday, April 15, 2011

Thank God for Grace....

we can be going through tough times, no matter who we are. make bad decisions. but, God comes along when we call upon Him and He breathes His breath in us. shows us a love like we have never known before. He covers us with His perfect peace and gives us the gift of grace.
Grace covers a multitude of sins, what an awesome gift....the gift of grace.
~:~:~:~
Grace Like Rain

who do i go to first?

this is a common thing and i will admit i am guilty of doing this on a regular bases. what am i talking about? i am referring to, initially running to somebody else when i need to know what to do in a certain situation. it's not wrong to go to people,but, going to them before i go to God is a habit that i realize is not the best thing for me to do. i need to establish a habit of going to God first. honestly, the first thought that comes to my mind is: who can i call? who can i facebook? who can i receive care and concern from? who can give me advice? like i said, it's not wrong to do this, but, it becomes wrong when it's the first thing i think of doing. maybe you have a problem in this area too, i don't know, but, i sure know that i do. joyce meyer has a wonderful quote: "Go to the throne, before you go to the phone." when i go straight to God and ask Him for clarification, or help regarding a situation. it shows that i want His advice and that it means the most to me. God, wants us to ask for His advice. when i go to Him first and ask for His counsel, He may bring a person into my life of His choosing to help, to listen, and through the guidance of His Spirit show me scripture,understanding, love, comfort, and point me to God for strength, peace, confidence, knowing that Jesus Christ is taking care of me and that through the Savior, i have nothing to fear.  The following are verses that came to my mind while writing this....

My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip or to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not smite you by day nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; He will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming from this time forth and forevermore. ~Psalm 121:2-8

This is a song He placed on my heart.

Always Forever

Thursday, April 14, 2011

He too may speak to you....

some thoughts on my mind this morning. i sat here trying to think of something to write, asking God to show me. i know i don't really have to write everyday, but as i've said before it's somewhat like a journal to me, and it helps me. so, here i am sitting here thinking really hard on what to write. i have been doing a lot of thinking about choices i make regarding my thoughts. sometimes i may think, "Oh, what's the use?" and of course i know that's not at all what God would have me do, and entertaining that thought is destructive. i have two options. the first is, give up and quit; the other is to keep going. now if i choose to keep going i once again have a couple of choices. 1. live miserably and depressed, or 2. live in hope and joy. i usually don't jump up and down and say, "Great, I have a discouraging situation on my hands or disappointments but, by golly it's OK." do most people do that? most likely they don't jump up and down and say, yippeee, great! But, there are those that do say, "by the grace of God I'm going to get through this." i've asked myself so many times, why can't i be like the person who leans on God? And, it's come down to this. it's not that i can't be, it's that i choose not to be. am i alone with this problem? i'm sure i am not. however, i wish to conquer this big monster that seems to always be staring me down. amazing how i know the answers but, when it comes to applying them, i seem to become like a person who has no clue. i realize that i just need to make the decision not to allow that big monster to win, and stick to that decision. i know more easily said then done. but, in saying that i am solely relying on my strength, me being in control. what i need to do is lift up my eyes and hands, my head and heart and not look or concentrate on my "problems", but look to the Lord, who has promised to see me through. sometimes when i think this way....my mind begins to wander and it begins to think, "Oh, no what if God immediately brings something into my life to test me?" i know that instead of thinking that way, i need to, look at the sunshine, look at the new day that God has given, look at the love He freely gives, look at how many times He forgives, look at the husband he has given, look at the daughters He has given, look and concentrate on all of the lovely, and positive things i have in my life. God has blessed, my cup runs over. there is absolutely no reason to say, "oh, what's the use?" to say that is throwing in the towel, quiting, giving up, falling flat on my face & staying there. what i need to do is, remember the promise that God is going to see me through to abundance and victory. you, i or anyone will never have to face things alone, the choice is, do i listen to the voice of Truth? or buy into the lies of satan? i need (as you may too) to live each day tuning into the voice of Truth, and in doing so, i am listening to the voice of God. well, He gave me something to write about. it usually comes down to a personal change i need to make in my life. but, my prayer is that after reading what God is convicting me about, that He too may speak to you.

But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.
~Psalm 3:3

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

three posts that i thought were worth repeating....

 what may seem insignificant, boring, routine, or small, is often used by God to show His over all power. God uses small things and routine faithfulness to accomplish great things for His glory. so, when you think that you're just "one" person doing small things, you are never an island unto yourself, your life touches another, whether you realize it or not
:~:~:~:~:
there might be things going on inside of us that we do not understand and may seem quite confusing. but, when we finally come to the place where God wants to bring us, we will see how it has prepared us for what God wanted for us all along.
   :~:~:~:~:
Lord, I'm tired of it being all about me. I need to give you all the glory, all of the honor, and all of the praise. I need humility in my life, Help me to throw pride out of the window, and allow you to flow through this cracked vessel without me obscuring the view. I'm tired of me getting in the way,just imagine what awesome and mighty things could be accomplish if I'd just get out of the way.


Disappear

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Pure transparency

amazing. with bi-polar you can go from having a real "high" in your life to feelings of a real "low". often i find myself trying to catch up with it. even with medication there's a limit to what they can do. it's tweak this and tweak that, and then there's a point in which all of the tweaking in the world doesn't seem to work....guess i'm tweaked out (and that's not meant as a joke, although you can laugh if you wish). it seems when something happens that causes me pain, fear, or sadness, i can come so fast off of that high and start slipping down that slippery sloop at top speed. i know it's satan, i know all of that, but the chemical imbalance in my brain works so hard against a rational thought that it is so hard to listen, i mean to the point of actually hearing. it seems my mind and thought process gets cloudy and as thick as mud. sometimes it seems i slip so fast i teeter on the edge of the opening to my abyss, and that's where i feel i am at right now. this blog is about transparency. so, anyone reading right now, that's what you're getting. all of the things that i write about, like looking to God, holding His hand, etc., etc. are ways that help to keep me on level ground. however, there are times when even that doesn't seem to help, and my foot slips. with openness as the goal, i am merely writing down my thoughts as i would in a journal and you reading it, gives you a front row seat. you have the choice to read or not to read, and that's the beauty of my blog. writing my feelings and thoughts down sometimes helps me. it can begin the process of breaking down the huge tightly wound ball of thoughts that cloud my brain. and if the thoughts can be broken down piece by piece it may help. i suppose with me, what you see is what you get. i cannot pretend to be something that i am not. if what i write helps you then that's awesome, it what i write depresses you, please don't read, i do not wish to bring you down. so, right now is a struggle for me, i am down, teetering, and i don't want to fall. what do i do? keep crying out to Jesus, keep reading His word, speak scripture so that i may hear. listen to songs to bring me to the place of worship and praise. by doing these things, there may be a break through. rational thoughts could quite possibly pierce through my mind and make an impact, an impact to the point of creating huge breaks in the tightly wound ball of thoughts that fill my head. i need prayer. i need love. i need understanding. i need reassurance. i need peace. i need strength. but, most of all i need the embrace of Jesus, i need to be saturated with the Holy Spirit, and i need to believe that i am safe. i sit here look out the window, watch the birds eat from the bird feeder, hear the birds sing, and have written what has come to my mind today, what fills my heart. so complete transparency is what you have received from me. i'm so human, so weak. right now shout out a prayer for me. is that selfish to ask for such a thing? i don't believe it is. if you are my brother or sister in Christ, i need you to do this. if you do not know Jesus, i pray you will receive Him. even through these episodes that i sometimes have, i can tell you i'd go completely crazy if i didn't have Him. and since i am human, and have this illness i will deal with it. i am thankful that i won't always be this way, one day when i reach heaven i will be made new, and how awesome that will be.

Safe

Monday, April 11, 2011

everything i need


i felt so led to include this as one of my posts for today. often we want to throw in the towel but in doing so we may miss the break through the could be right around the corner.

when we don't know what the future holds,God knows what lies ahead,maybe it's just around the corner,maybe it's somewhere further down the road on this journey.But,we can be confident that He has gone before and has prepared the way.we must not leave His side or let go of His hand.because He truly is everything we need.without Him,there is no hope,faith & assurance that He is in control.

Everything I Need

what treasures....

well, this morning brought rain, but as the saying goes, "april showers bring may flowers." hard to believe that Easter is right around the corner. i remember when the girls would get so excited to color eggs, not so much anymore, although we still do it, and as they color the eggs, they seem to be so young again and i can tell that they really do enjoy it, and of course as a mom, it warms my heart and makes me smile. i'm trying to hold on to some of the things that they do that still reminds me of when they were young. i realize that what i am writing seems to pertain mostly to mothers, but it really doesn't have to. i know fathers feel much of this as well. i know my husband reminisces about the days when they were young and a picnic, or flying a kite, or just taking a walk along the trails made them so happy. it was the simple things, that makes the memories so memorable and it still is to a point. i mentioned last night about scott's 47th birthday. i could tell how much he enjoyed just sitting out feeling the breeze as we sat together, and enjoyed a meal  out on the deck for the first time this year. i could see the love in his eyes for the family that God has so graciously given to him. i suppose it rubbed off on me, as i began to think the same way. our children are gifts from God precious treasures that God has given to us. what a huge responsibility. as parents we will make mistakes, although we strive not to. our children at the same time will as well. but, we must pray over them, teach them right from wrong, pray some more over them, and give them to God everyday. as i said they are not perfect, as all of us are not, and, they will make mistakes. but, i desire and i know scott does as well, to continue to raise them to love God, to follow after His footsteps, to seek His face in prayer, stay in His word, and not give into the temptations that are all around them. God grant us the wisdom to raise them to be Christians that will be obedient to your voice, and will desire to please you in all that they say and do.

Safe And Sound
http://youtu.be/IEGDLJinzDE

Sunday, April 10, 2011

a beautiful sunny day....

what a warm and beautiful sunny day it has been. amazing how it felt that we had completely skipped spring and fell right into summer. i loved it so much! these are the kind of days that you just want to hold onto and wish that they wouldn't end. tonight we celebrated scott's birthday, he's 47 just like me....we always tell each other, "we're the same now." anyway, we ate dinner out on the deck and the breeze felt so nice & as i write this post, i can feel the breeze coming through my front windows, and i think, "life is good." so much to be thankful for, so many blessings that God has literally poured out. having God in my life, a husband that loves me, and treats me so special, 2 precious daughters, my dog named nilla, and my kitty named shadow. yes, "life is good." Lord, i ask you to help me to see the positives, all the loveliness, and precious things that surround me. and may i learn how to see the glass half full instead of half empty.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

as he guides me to the finish line.....

am i a finisher? a question that was on my mind. the beginning of something new is always exciting to me. but it's not just me starting the race in excitement that makes me a winner, it's if i stick to it and make it across the finish line-when nobody is excited anymore, when nobody is cheering me on, when other peoples emotions are no longer supporting me, when i feel like i can't go on any longer, and when it looks like i will never make it to the end. i simply must go on, not by my own strength, but, allowing the strength of God to cover me, and i must remain on the course.....the straight and narrow. i often think of a horse running a race with blinders on. i must keep blinders on so i can not look to the left or the right, but only look straight ahead to the finish line....that's the goal. i don't know about you but, in all transparency, i often want to lift my hands up and yank those blinders right off because of the fact that i tend to want to be in control. of course when i do this i begin to become what is called, "a wave watcher." this is not what i want to do because when i start taking my eyes off of the finish line i can veer to the left or the right or even want to turn around, and begin to run back to the barn. this obviously is not the place i need to be. so, in my dilemma i must turn to God, cry out and allow Him to put the blinders back on, and then i must cooperate, obey, follow His lead and race towards the finish line, and stick close to the master. all of this can tend to be something i must do on a daily bases, i can tend to have a strong will, and be hard headed. i can tend to think if i'm in control, i'll be just fine....nope, never works. you would think i'd figure out that it never works to try and race alone. i simply cannot make it. so, i will seek and pray daily for God to help me keep my eyes on Him as He guides me to the finish line. Lord, help me run with faith, trusting and believing that you are in control.

Here Goes

Friday, April 8, 2011

life means so much....

"everyday is a day is a gift from God". many of us have heard this phrase over and over again. But, do we really take it to heart? I've also heard that "life is not a dress rehearsal" but, if each day is a gift from God, and our life is not a dress rehearsal what are we doing with the day we've been given? i can only speak for myself regarding this question and i unfortunately have to admit, that i don't always use the time that is allowed for each day to it's fullest. many times i spend my day, worried over what the future holds when i don't even know if i have tomorrow, because God has given me today. living one day at a time comes hard for me. i don't just do it naturally. i find myself often regretting things i didn't do, or could have done better in the past, and asking "what ifs" about tomorrow. i desire to strive and learn to take one day at a time. do i live it to its fullest or do i squander it. it seems the older i get the shorter the day becomes, i'm not sure why it's that way but, for some reason it just seems to be the case. amazing how each new day that God supplies is not just a day in which His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness is great, but, it is also a day in which God has given us a clean slate. we can choose to reach out and help those in need. just a warm smile, or a wave to our neighbor, can really make someones day. we sometimes do not know what they may be going through.the slate can be filled with words of encouragement that we not only give to each other, but, words that we tell in love to complete strangers. there's wonderful and beautiful ways to fill the clean slate that God has given us.or there are times in which i  choose to fill the slate with anger, finding the negative in most everything, and honestly thinking life sucks, and i'd like to tell some people a thing or two. now that's being transparent.  many know the verse, "This is the day that the Lord has made i will rejoice and be glad in it." this is so true, but for me personally it is somewhat difficult for me to carry through. maybe it comes natural for you to simply give your day to God and rejoice in your day. for me the rejoice and be glad in it takes a conscience effort. i am not naturally one to see the glass half full but instead i see it half empty. working at becoming more optimistic and taking one day at a time has become a daily struggle that i personally work on. so, i must ask myself the question: "if life is not a dress rehearsal, what am I doing with each day that God grants me?" you may also want to ask yourself the same question, who knows what type of impact it could make.

Life Means So Much

Thursday, April 7, 2011

what an awesome gift....the gift of grace


         we can be going through tough times, no matter who we are, make bad decisions, but, God comes along when we call upon Him and He breathes His breath in us, shows a love to us like we have never known before, and let's us know that we are His and He is ours....we are never really alone....no, never really ever alone.      
·             we all have weaknesses, but,you know we should accept ourselves in spite of our weaknesses.....God does. He loves us unconditionally just the way are as humans and still living in this flesh. we will always have areas in our lives in which we fall short but,that should not stop us from going to the Father and laying our lives out for Him to use. God takes all the cracks in our vessels and uses us to His fullest. He covers us with His perfect peace and gives us the gift of grace. Grace covers a multitude of sins, what an awesome gift....the gift of grace

Only Grace
grace [greɪs]
the free and unmerited favour of God shown towards man, the divine assistance and power given to man in spiritual rebirth and sanctification, the condition of being favoured or sanctified by God an unmerited gift, favour, etc., granted by God

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

sometimes God has to break us down to lift us up....

sometimes life can seem so unclear, and there is no doubt that prayer is the key.we can't change what others may think, what others may do,what others may say, but, we can pray,and strive to be an example of Christs love. for with His love, and our prayers life can shine with Christ. there are times when God has to break us down to lift us up.

Break Through





Tuesday, April 5, 2011

God anoint my lips with the words of healing......


 God anoint my lips with the words of healing that I must say.Let the words flow from you as if you were saying them. Rain down your Holy presence in a way that is felt gently, tenderly, yet powerful and strong.God grant me the wisdom to speak as you would speak, to care as you would care, and to love as you would love.

~For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but, have eternal life ~John 3:16

a Christian brother or sister that is hurting so desperately....

gos·sip/ˈgäsip/
Verb: Engage in gossip.
Noun: Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true. 
i felt compelled to cover this topic this morning because not only is it rampant in the world, but unfortunately, it runs rampant in the church today. i think some people believe that it is OK to pass on information, that may be true, to other people behind a person's back, and many times the words that are repeated can as well be half truths or even lies all together. my main question is what makes this OK? in comparison to other sins it seems that this sin is given a pass. gossip has almost become acceptable, and some of the people that you would least expect doing it, play an active role in passing information through the "grapevine" and the information moves through this vine so quickly that by the time it makes its way through, those that hear it hear information that has become embellished, twisted, or a spin has been put on it, and it comes out as a complete and very hurtful lie. so many of us, if honest, have been participants of this sin, but, have found victory, while others continue this sin and in the process, create deep pain, tear up the life or testimony or even the name of a person. the bottom line? gossip is a sin and is a completely and disgusting tool that can be used by satan in the life of Christians to destroy. nothing good comes from gossip. why should we repeat something that we know will cause destruction? why should we participate in something that would cause another person such pain? the answer is beyond me. i don't regard myself as perfect in this area, it is so easy to do. when a fellow Christian has fallen shouldn't we keep our mouths closed to gossip and open our mouths to prayer? instead of gently placing a blanket of protection and love over a hurting person so many just trample over a fellow christian soldier through gossip, and lies or embellished stories. shouldn't we get back to love? get back to truth, get back to keeping our mouths closed regarding stories that can be repeated, toward a Christian brother or sister that is hurting so desperately?

I Hope You See Jesus

Monday, April 4, 2011

protected under His wings

i told myself when i was going to start a blog that i was going to try real hard not to miss a day, because to me, this serves somewhat of a purpose comparable to keeping a journal. journals for me have always been ways in which i can pour out my heart, and yes, be as transparent as possible. yesterday (Sunday) was a day in which i found myself in such deep thought on several different issues, that i found it too difficult to write. so, today i asked myself, do i want to write or have another day pass and not share thoughts of any kind? i chose to write. i have a friend here on facebook who shared with me a youtube video that showed a bald eagle sitting in its nest keeping a vigilance on its eggs.the wind was blowing so hard and yet the eagle remained calm and strong. the trees all around the nest were greatly tossing to and fro, it was raining and yet the nest which had been built so strong stood firm. that got me thinking. God, my heavenly Father, is like that bald eagle, He takes me under His wings. And, when the storms blow, and the trees toss to and fro, He remains calm, solid, strong and secure. as long as i stay under His wings i am safe; nothing can harm me or hurt me. yes, i am perfectly safe. it also made me think about the fact that God never leaves my side, He is the same yesterday, today and forever. it is when i move that i am unprotected. so the best place for me is to stay under my Fathers wings where i am safe. the storms may blow all around me, but, my Abba Father will not be moved, He will remain strong, and secure. staying protected by Him is where i will strive to be.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

God never said it would be

Lord open up my eyes to see more of you and less of me. and help me to allow you to turn all of my fear into faith, and Lord help me to continue to allow you to be the wonder of my world, even though there are times when it seems i can't clearly see what you, or why you are doing what you are doing. often i am at a loss of words when it comes to expressing or explaining to others why you have led me to a decision that seems to be crazy to some, so Lord help me to place my fears in your hands and in your care, knowing full well that you have orchestrated the decision and not to follow your will and continue on what you have shown to be the right thing to do would be living in disobedience, out of your will, and following what i wish and not at all what you desire. so, Lord help me to continue to give you my fear of what the future may hold and instead have the faith that you know what lies ahead. help me to rely on you, so that there is less of me and more of you. i don't have the answers, so please Lord, help me to trust that you have all of the answers. i don't, and may i never come close to pretending to. change is often hard. you can become comfortable in what you've been used to doing, and to change what you love to do and what you believe God has called and anointed you to do can seem crazy and scary, but i must realize that there needs to be less of me and more of You. much easier said than done. i have mentioned less of me and more of you several times, because it is so important and yet at the same time difficult to do. we as Christians talk about it so often, but, to put it fully into practice can be difficult....at least it is for me. Lord help me to keep my eyes open to what you would have, and not close them or look away when you choose to guide me onto a different route, but still on this journey called life. It's not easy, but God never said it would be. 

Into The Day

Friday, April 1, 2011

"part 8"a journey

when we left breakfast, we were told that if we needed toiletries, like a tooth brush, comb, soap, shampoo, we were supposed to go to a nurse and ask for it. i needed this stuff because i had just gotten there, and we weren't allowed to bring in anything from outside of the unit. so, i picked up my toothbrush, etc. and went to my room and took a shower and cleaned up,i then was required to keep these things in a locker assigned to me and each time i needed them i had to ask for a nurse to open my locker with a key. one thing they would not let you do is sleep all day. they kept you attending sessions. one thing that i found interesting is that i would go to the sessions and in each session the name of God or Jesus would be brought up, and i was able to share my faith. i knew God was working that out. it was truly amazing. by the time lunch rolled around, i was hungry and felt like eating, but, something more important happened. i found an empty chair at the table where all of the other people were sitting, and i asked to sit there. i then sat down, and started talking to different people all around me and heard about their stories, and got to know different personalities. there were times when i still felt uncomfortable, but God gave me the courage to keep pushing through. after lunch we then had to attend different sessions, getting tips on how to cope with our mental illness. this went on until dinner, and then we had a curfew to be in bed by 9:00 p.m. when we got in bed the night nurses that were assigned to us came by and gave us our medicine. my medicine calmed me down but i still couldn't sleep and i began to cry, thinking i don't know how much longer i can take of not sleeping. the next day we went through the same routine. each person that came to visit me needed my personal password. the password i came up with was "freedom 10"i don't know if subconsciously i was hoping to break out of the place or what, but, that's what i came up with. anyway right before lunch if you didn't have a psychiatrist assigned to you, they assigned you to one. Mine turned out to be Dr. Balster. i had different nurses coming to me and telling me, he is awesome, he's the head psychiatrist at kettering medical center. so, i felt assured i was in good hands. he met with me and we went over the medications that i was on. he changed things around, and after taking them for a couple of days i began to feel much better. but, i still wasn't sleeping. he tried several things and explained to me that he could not release me until i had slept through the night. finally the fifth day of being there, he gave me medication that helped me sleep through the night. the next day i ate breakfast, sat with some friends, went to sessions, even exercised, went to lunch and ate, and after lunch a social worker met with me. i told her of course of the horrible doctor that i had before and was in need of a new psychiatrist. i mentioned the possibility of getting Dr. Balster, she told me he wasn't taking any new patients and my heart sank, but then she said, let me make some phone calls and i will see what i can do. later that day she met with me again and said that Dr. Balster remembered meeting with me and said that he would take on my case. i said, "what, you're kidding me right?" i couldn't believe it at first. here was a dr. who had taken me from where i was and with the right medications had made me a totally different person, and of course i know that God had everything to do with all of this. each thing that happen, each word that was said.....all of it. i told the social worker that i would LOVE to have Dr. Balster as my doctor, and i have been his patient ever since. when i left that room i felt so overcome with joy, tears ran down my face. when i got back to my room, there was a young girl at my door, she was the patient that cried herself to sleep every night, one door down. she had a book in her hand. she then said to me, kim would you come to my room and read scripture verses with me? so, we went to her room and i was able to share the message of how Jesus shed His blood on the cross for the sins of all human kind and could come into her life and help her to begin a journey of healing, just by praying a prayer and receiving Him into her heart and life. she prayed that prayer and then i hugged her. she then said, "kim, i am sure going to miss you." we both got up together and went to dinner, after dinner i packed up all of my things (which wasn't very much at all) and waited in the lobby area and listened to different people talk about their situation and how they wanted to leave. i knew scott was coming to get me soon. when i was ready to finally walk out that door, each nurse on duty and every woman that could walk and get out of their room came and hugged me and said, "kim we are sure gonna miss you." how awesome that through all of that, God had a plan. i will never know here on earth what seeds may have been planted. when i left that place it was in December, and the air was crisp, and i could smell fire burning in peoples fire places, the smell was so lovely. i got into the van and as we drove away, i prayed for those precious people that God would show them the way. i prayed that God would give me the strength to make it. and thanked Him for His love and the beautiful family that He had given to me and blessed me with. there was still a long road ahead of going to a therapist, remaining strong, thinking positively, but i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had pulled me up out of my deep dark abyss, one that i thought i'd never get out of and set me on solid ground. each day is a gift from God a brand new day. i have learned to take one day at a time, for that's all i have been given.

Pull Me Out