amazing. with bi-polar you can go from having a real "high" in your life to feelings of a real "low". often i find myself trying to catch up with it. even with medication there's a limit to what they can do. it's tweak this and tweak that, and then there's a point in which all of the tweaking in the world doesn't seem to work....guess i'm tweaked out (and that's not meant as a joke, although you can laugh if you wish). it seems when something happens that causes me pain, fear, or sadness, i can come so fast off of that high and start slipping down that slippery sloop at top speed. i know it's satan, i know all of that, but the chemical imbalance in my brain works so hard against a rational thought that it is so hard to listen, i mean to the point of actually hearing. it seems my mind and thought process gets cloudy and as thick as mud. sometimes it seems i slip so fast i teeter on the edge of the opening to my abyss, and that's where i feel i am at right now. this blog is about transparency. so, anyone reading right now, that's what you're getting. all of the things that i write about, like looking to God, holding His hand, etc., etc. are ways that help to keep me on level ground. however, there are times when even that doesn't seem to help, and my foot slips. with openness as the goal, i am merely writing down my thoughts as i would in a journal and you reading it, gives you a front row seat. you have the choice to read or not to read, and that's the beauty of my blog. writing my feelings and thoughts down sometimes helps me. it can begin the process of breaking down the huge tightly wound ball of thoughts that cloud my brain. and if the thoughts can be broken down piece by piece it may help. i suppose with me, what you see is what you get. i cannot pretend to be something that i am not. if what i write helps you then that's awesome, it what i write depresses you, please don't read, i do not wish to bring you down. so, right now is a struggle for me, i am down, teetering, and i don't want to fall. what do i do? keep crying out to Jesus, keep reading His word, speak scripture so that i may hear. listen to songs to bring me to the place of worship and praise. by doing these things, there may be a break through. rational thoughts could quite possibly pierce through my mind and make an impact, an impact to the point of creating huge breaks in the tightly wound ball of thoughts that fill my head. i need prayer. i need love. i need understanding. i need reassurance. i need peace. i need strength. but, most of all i need the embrace of Jesus, i need to be saturated with the Holy Spirit, and i need to believe that i am safe. i sit here look out the window, watch the birds eat from the bird feeder, hear the birds sing, and have written what has come to my mind today, what fills my heart. so complete transparency is what you have received from me. i'm so human, so weak. right now shout out a prayer for me. is that selfish to ask for such a thing? i don't believe it is. if you are my brother or sister in Christ, i need you to do this. if you do not know Jesus, i pray you will receive Him. even through these episodes that i sometimes have, i can tell you i'd go completely crazy if i didn't have Him. and since i am human, and have this illness i will deal with it. i am thankful that i won't always be this way, one day when i reach heaven i will be made new, and how awesome that will be.
Safe
No comments:
Post a Comment