the next morning they woke us up at 6:30a.m. now i must say that was really tough because i had not slept all night. a doctor came around to check on how each one of us were doing. it seemed so loud and the light from the hall seemed so bright. agnus gave me my morning medication. we were then told to get up and get ready for breakfast. i had no idea what i looked like, and usually in the morning i look pretty bad but, under the circumstances i didn't care, nor could i care. they lined us up and the loud thick doors opened and we walked through single file to the cafeteria. it was obvious that many had been there long enough to make friends and they all sat together. i sat at another table and sat alone, and all the while kept thinking, i'm not going to sit with those people they give me the "creeps" that morning i couldn't eat, i felt nauseated and so very lonely, once again i couldn't eat, nor did i want to. well, today this post is rather short it seems i have so much on my mind that pertains to other things and my mind is just not cooperating. i would have liked to have had this whole story complete by now, and i am sure many of you wish i'd get to the end of it. but, please bear with me this story will come to an end and you will finally begin to read other things that do not pertain to my bipolar illness.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
"part 6" a journey
It was crazy how i could be at peace one minute and then be in a state of anxiousness, and panic the next. i knew God was with me but, i felt so afraid and empty. how did i come to a place where i really and truly did hit rock bottom? it was such a slow fade for me, but none the less there i was sitting on a hospital bed in the behavioral unit, rather mental ward of Kettering Medical Center. all the years of singing, performing in front of crowds, doing what i love best, raising the girls to love God, seemed to me at that time to be just a distant memory. no family around and at that time for a few moments i felt like it was just me, and then agnus came into the room, and the spirit changed. she sat down next to me on my bed, and said, are you hungry and for the first time in so long, i truly was, she gave me choices and of course i chose chicken, a salad, vegetables, and some jello, and of course diet coke. she had my food brought to my room, and to my surprise i ate it all. within those walls, behind that heavy looked door in a room with windows that were nailed shut i felt a peace come over me. and it lasted into the evening and through the night, although i still was not sleeping, i could still see a tiny glimmer of hope a faded light at the end of this long tunnel, many times i often felt like i was looking through a tunnel and living in a bubble in which no one could hear my cries for help. yet, deep in my heart i knew as i layed there in bed that night, crying that God could hear me and it had been so long since i could feel His presence and a warmth came over me through the night, a comfort that i had not had for months, i knew God's presence was in the room as I laid on that hospital bed where just 3 doors down i could hear the curdling screams of a patient, and in the room right next to mine, deep sobbing cries of another patient, and yet the presence of God filled my room and i felt safe and held and covered with His arms.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
continuation of "part 5" a journey
i remember looking at scott and saying, "i don't belong here, i just thought they were going to tweak my meds." scott answered and said, "no, you do belong here and they are going to help you get better." i honestly did not become angry, because i knew he said it out of pure love, and deep down inside, i knew he was right. but, still there was a part of me that continued to think, i didn't belong there. soon it was time for scott to leave. before he left of course he hugged me and reasured me that i was in the right place and my purpose there was to get help. when he left i felt like he had left me in prison. when he walked out of the unit the door slammed and automatically locked shut. i noticed that the doors looked very heavy and secure, of course they were that way for a reason. after He left, i was so afraid, yet at the same time i felt the peace of my Savior come over me, i knew He was my friend, and that i was His and that all would be alright. i walked back down to my room sat on my bed and began to make it. of course i made it with my ohio state buckeyes blanket over the top, and it reminded me of scott. i had on the table next to me a book by joyce meyer entitled, "battlefield of the mind" i started to read it, as i was reading it was like a nurse appeared out of no where. i didn't hear her come in, but she came and sat next to me on my bed. she said, "hi, my name is agnus and i will be your nurse for this evening." to me she seemed like an angel, she was gentle tender, soft spoken, yet at the same time, seemed very strong, i read her name tag and she was the head nurse (wow, God was sure looking out for me.) agnus then continued speaking to me, she said, she knew about joyce meyer and loved that book (the battlefield of the mind.) she then said to me, "I bet you don't feel like you should be here." and i said, "no, i honestly don't," she said,"yes, you do, and we are going to help you." i knew i needed help, and felt such a comfort from her. and i knew deep down that God was there and had brought this gentle and tender nurse into my life. agnus then told me she would be back and she left my room. i of course also had my Bible and i opened it up to the psalms and started reading such awesome and comforting verses, God led me to verses i needed to read, for they brought me comfort, peace, and strength....i knew He was with me, and was not going to leave me alone. i once could not sense His presence but in the in the hospital room while sitting on that hospital bed, i felt Him, He was there, and oh, what peace came over me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGp9mR6QR_4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGp9mR6QR_4
Monday, March 28, 2011
"part 5" a journey/i need to take a break
things had to happen before i reached the new horizon. one morning (i do not remember the day) i could not stop shaking. i shook from head to toe, much like a tremor, my hands were especially shaking. i went upstairs to our room and got in bed with scott, and whispered in his ear, "i can't stop shaking, i think i am dying." he got up and said, "it's time" i knew he meant it was time to go to the emergency room. after 7 months of going through this i finally agreed to go to the hospital. i knew i had reached my wits end. i was literally experiencing a nervous break down. scott told sarah what we were doing and honestly she seemed relieved, concerned but, relieved. while in the emergency room they gave me a shot of ativan in my iv, and this calmed me down and stopped me from shaking, they then ran other tests, and asked me many questions. to make a long story short, i was then transferred to the behavioral unit of kettering medical center. which in actuality was a place where they brought people with mental illnesses. they assigned me to a room. i noticed that the windows were nailed shut, the curtains had no strings, there was a paper sack instead of a garbage pale, nothing sharp was in the room, and absolutely nothing was in the room that could be used to harm myself or anyone else.
now, to be honest. i need to take a break from this post. writing about this has been therapeutic but at the same time has been somewhat difficult. my purpose however in writing it, is not to relive the past, but, to help others if i can. but, right now....i need to take a break. i may come back later today and write more. we will see.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7elxC8LXfzE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7elxC8LXfzE
Sunday, March 27, 2011
what comes next? God only knows
i'm taking a break today from what i've been posting. in my spirit i don't believe it would be beneficial, at least not for today. i mentioned in my facebook status thoughts about how God shows His will regarding important issues, and decisions in our lives. there are times when it is so unclear as to what the right decision is to make, it's not always crystal clear. yet then there are times when you have covered something in prayer, you have sought the Lord and He allows you to see exactly what it is you should do, and if you are in prayer with a partner and the Lord speaks to that partner in the same exact way, you can almost 100% know that it is God showing you the answer crystal clear....you are in harmony. it is not always the easiest to make decisions that bring with them things that could impact others in a huge way. However, when God leads and obedience is not applied a negative impact and a negative result is most likely to be the outcome. The bottom line is: you pray, you seek, you ask God to show you what it is you should do, and there are times when He chooses to make His will known in a clear and precise way, allowing you to see beyond a shadow of a doubt what He would have you to do, and what your decision should be.
What comes next? God only knows, when decisions are made in His will, He will show the way.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
"part 4" a journey
this morning i woke up eagerly wanting to write my post because so many thoughts were filling my mind, just waiting to be written. during this period of spending all of my time glued to that couch,we had one great room. sarah was at one desk and abbie was at another. they were taking on line home schooling. so, they were with me 24/7 and witnessed their mom begin to deteriorate away. how sad. they needed me and yet i was not there. i think of this often but, i tell myself i cannot go back and undo what was done because it was then and this is now, but i know that this greatly effected them, especially sarah. during that time sarah would leave Bible verses throughout the house. verses that she looked up and wanted so desperately to pull me out of the abyss that i was in. the verses encouraged me,scott would even take them and read them over and over to me every night and yet because of the foothold that satan had over me, i still worried, and was still living in the bondage of being a hypochondriac still looking for something wrong, still believing there just had to be, still glued to that couch, still skin and bones, not sleeping and still making things so hard on my kids, and yet they loved me, showed such love, hugged me, remained so strong, and yet i know that this time truly had to have effected them, how couldn't it have? Unfortunately, i still found myself just trying to keep my head above the water. what was wrong with me, why wouldn't i listen to the scripture, the still small voice of God? i truly believe it was because satan had a foothold so strong on me and i was allowing him to continue to keep me in bondage. if one has never been in this situation both in state of mind and heart can they fully understand the bondage that is felt. satan cannot possess a person who has received Jesus into their life but, if allowed, can control a person. not being on the right medicine, not thinking in a realistic way, i was finding myself under constant attack. honestly, when it came to this point i found myself crying out to God and not feeling Him. i would run around my house fall on my knees and say, "God, i don't feel You, where are You?" He was there all the time, but i was choosing not to listen, i had come to the point of allowing myself to be controlled by satan....how sad, how horrible, and yes, how horrific. i could go into even more lengthy detail but, if i did it would take so many posts. so, i may only write 2 or 3 more parts to my post called a journey. tomorrow, i will begin the journey that started my road to recovery, etc. hope was on the horizon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBDLAZFLfIM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBDLAZFLfIM
Friday, March 25, 2011
"part 3" a journey
i realize that i may not be the best at writing, but my purpose is not to win a writing contest. But, instead be a beacon of hope, share a testimony that may inspire, take you on a journey that quite possibly will allow you to see that God can take a person such as me and work a miracle and give me the courage to fight this illness, and with His strength take one day at a time and be victorious. you know Jesus loves you, He gave Himself to die on a cross so that you could have eternal life. Jesus' death on the cross was a gift of love and beginning a personal relationship with Him would be the greatest decision you could make for your life. when you receive Jesus Christ He covers you with grace and forgives you from all of your sins and walks beside you and carries you when you need His strength when yours is gone. without Jesus in my life i could not go on. if you do not know Him, receive Him today, and believe me your life will never be the same.
here is "part" 3 a journey~
here is "part" 3 a journey~
as i continued this journey i began to appreciate how the medication was making such a difference in my life, i could see the results, and i didn't sit and stare, but i became more of the person that i am, the true, spontaneous kim, sports loving, music loving, art loving, and many of the other interests and hobbies in my life came back. this encouraged me. although further down the road on this journey i began a horrible roller coaster of slowly becoming a hypochondriac. i began to look for things that could be physically wrong with me. my doctor could tell me that nothing was wrong, and believing her and trusting her would last for a small period of time, and then doubt would set in and i would begin to worry once again, always looking, always thinking that i had this disease or that disease. i had numerous tests run ordered by the doctor, pretty much to pacify me. because of becoming a hypochondriac i began to slide down that slippery slope and fell or should i say took a dive straight down into my abyss. at the time my family doctor recommended that i go to a particular psychiatrist who would be able to tweak my medicine and hopefully bring me out of my abyss, but, instead of him helping, he made it worse, he gave me too much medicine for my highs and not enough for my lows, so i dove deeper into my abyss, stopped eating and started a routine of going no where, spending all my time mostly sleeping on my couch and when i wasn't sleeping, i was worried about my health, and in bondage, satan had a foothold on me, had me in the palm of his hand and i bought into his lies believing that i would never return to "normal" life as i knew it and would become forever just keeping my head above the waters of my deep dark pit called my abyss. scott knew that something had to be done and so he "fired" this doctor. but, at the time the damage had been done, i was caught in the snares of deep, deep depression. i remember crying out to God, at night still glued to that couch, and earnestly trying so desperately to sleep, of course getting none, i placed a paper next to my head of the different names of God, and each time satan would speak the voice of lies to me i would cry out the different names of God. Such as Emmanuel~ God is with us, Jehovah, bright and morning star, but because, i had fallen so deep, so low, satan had a foothold on me, and responding in my flesh, i listened to Him and blocked out the voice of TRUTH. things became worse, since i could not eat, i was skin and bones, i was literally slowly dying. tomorrow i will begin "part" 4 a journey and will continue to share with you the horrific roller coaster that i was continuing to ride and felt that i had reached the point of no return.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
"part 2" a journey
as i began to walk this journey i still struggled in a huge way. there was a huge stigma regarding"mental illness." and, honestly when i was young and growing up what i heard of people with "mental illnesses" was not at all positive. in my minds eye i viewed them as people who just sat and stared because of the medication they would be put on, i thought of how they used to treat people who had such an illness. many, many families did not know what to do with family members who had such a condition and they would put them in "homes" (insane asylums). and many of these people lived out hard, crazy, and utterly sad lives, just existing, and never really amounting to much of anything. in order to control their out bursts they would be put in straight jackets, or put in padded rooms, as not to hurt others, or themselves, many of the treatments were horrific, such as shock treatment, and other exploratory methods of trying to figure out the cause of the "insane" or "craziness" of these people. so, my view unfortunately was not at all correct regarding people that were struck with this illness. not until i was diagnosed with bipolar did i begin to really research. yes, that is the way that many were treated and i was fortunate to be diagnosed during this day and age because i could have easily found myself in the insane asylum like many were.
today there seems to still be a stigma, but that is changing. sometimes i hate having bipolar, often i feel like it is a chain and ball around my ankle, but i am reminded by such a caring and loving husband, that God made me this way, and that with His strength we will get through this. to be honest however, i have thought on occasion that it is always easier for someone who is looking in from the outside to say this, and much harder for the person living through it on the inside, even when it is being said in love, and great care. the type of bipolar i have is the type that peaks extremely high, and then dips extremely low....quickly. so, i am given several medications to pull me up from my lows and down from my highs and hopefully land me in the middle. when i began taking such medications, i as well hated it even though i knew it was meant to help me. i did then and still do at times get tired of going to my medicine basket and taking medicine that i know will help me, i often look at my husband scott, and wish that i did not have to take medications, i am not jealous of him but, have often wondered what it would be like if i didn't have to take them. yet, if i stopped taking the medication, many of them would have a with draw effect on me and would set me back. Then i would easily go into what i call a period in which i slip down a slippery slope and end up in my abyss. there are times when i do slip even when i am taking my medication, i have even teetered on the edge of falling into my abyss, then my doctor tweaks my medicine, and i am helped. i have not fallen into that abyss now for a little over 2 years. but, tomorrow i will share about that experience. i know God has been with me all along. He has never left my side, and many, many times i know He has carried me. how do i know this? because i am sitting here writing this for you to read.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdXkG-tlXdU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdXkG-tlXdU
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
"part 1" a journey
i would like to have said that when i woke up this morning that my heart was light and my spirit felt free. however, it did not. amazing what can happen in just one day, a few hours or even one moment to the next....things can change so drastically. when i titled this blog transparent thoughts, i knew i was taking a chance. because in order for my posts to literally live up to this name, they must be transparent. so this morning i am going to be transparent. i have a illness called~bipolar. i live with it 24/7. when i was first diagnosed with it years ago, i was very, very upset. i knew nothing about the condition and felt shameful for having a "mental" illness. i have since learned it is a chemical imbalance that takes place in the brain. i was told there was no cure but with proper, medication, proper doctors care, and a great therapist, i could live as close to a "normal" life as possible. when i returned home that day, i remember feeling somewhat numb, but i realized that so many other people have it much worse and receive news every day from a doctor pertaining to life and death and having incurable diseases, etc. at the time however, i didn't realize the emotional rugged roller coaster i had before me. that same day i began a research of people that live with the illness and those who had the illness but are no longer living. the research i found was amazing. poets, artists, musicians, creative people, writers, actors, and actresses, very intellectual people, or those with great responsibilities as leaders, lived or are living with bipolar. if you ever get the chance to do a search, it will open your eyes to the people who have endured this condition. i'll give you a few names: Vincent van gogh, Mark twain, Mozart, Handel, Beethoven, Rosemary Clooney, Abraham Lincoln, and the list went on. this inspired me, i knew with the Lord on my side, and positive thoughts i could make it. this morning i am labeling this "Part 1" i will write more tomorrow, and begin to bring you on my journey, and provide for you some transparency regarding bipolar and the effect it has had on my life and the life of my family.
so, i am providing transparent information that could quiet possibly be an eye opener and be educational, as well as give you a first hand view of someone who has and is still living with this illness. without God i know that i would never be able to make it. thank you Lord, for saving my soul.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSyqFWaGKVI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSyqFWaGKVI
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
proud to be a midwest girl!
it seems when i sit down and try to come up with something to write, i am natually draw to most of the subjects that i have already written about. so, i am sitting here this morning, thinking.... what i can write about that i have not written about before and, am i experiencing writers block? i do not know....perhaps.
i love where we live, our house, the neighborhood, and living in ohio, yes, and certainly i LOVE the ohio state buckeyes. in the month of septemeber of 2000, scott and i traveled by airplane to orange county california and attended scott's twin brother, steve's wedding. when we flew over that part of california we noticed that the landscape was rugged and the primary colors we could see were black and tan, and to us it was not a very pretty view from the sky. when we landed and drove through L.A. to me personally it reminded me in several ways of detroit. now, i must say it was beautiful in so many other areas and of course steve and nancy's wedding was lovely and our experience there was fun and relaxing. when we boarded the last plane to come back to dayton, we noticed something that we found to be so wonderful, green gorgeous land almost as far as the eye could see, farm land & we realized just how awesome the midwest looks from the air. So, you know it's not too bad where we live. some may say there's not too much to do around dayton, but from the air in that airplane it looked green, full of life and beautiful. and, we find it is a wonderful place to raise a family. plus we get to cheer for the buckeyes, and that in and of itself is so much fun. so, yes, i finally found something to write about and although it may not be the typical topics in which i write. it's one that i enjoyed and it made me feel proud to be a midwest girl.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzSfCv3u3d0
Monday, March 21, 2011
yes, we can only imagine now, but what a day that will be!
there will come a day when we will finally see Him face to face. we will be reunited with those who have gone on before us, and we will behold the beauty that God has prepared for those who love Him. what a day that will be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkdniYsUrM8
at this point in time, we can only imagine....
at this very moment i hear a bird that keeps making the same chirping noise over and over. i wonder if he/she gets on the nerves of the other birds? or maybe it's just having a conversation....who knows. as usual in the morning i listen to the birds, chirping and singing and each and every time it reminds me of the wonders of creation. around where we live there seems to be a great assortment of many types of birds, which i love. what is it about their noises that creates such an alluring attraction to me? well, i believe it is because they remind me of the wonderful creation of God as does so many other beautiful things about nature. but, it also brings to mind the verse in scripture that talks about the fact that the beauty on this earth, is in no way comparable to the beauty that has been prepared in heaven for those who are believers in Christ and have a personal relationship with Him. our human eyes can only imagine what it will be like, but even our mortal eyes imagining will never come close to what beauty awaits us. i am a nature lover. so, the thought of heaven being a destination in which the beauty of heaven is incomprehensible to me as a human....fills my heart with so much joy. as you soak in the beauty of this earth and yes it is all around us, don't miss out on it's wonders, but at the same time perhaps it will bring to mind the beauty that God has prepared for us that at this point in time can only imagine.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
thank you Lord for a brand new day!
who gives us the strength to carry on? Jesus Christ the bright and glorious morning star, the lily of the valley, the rose of sharon. His mercies are new every morning GREAT is His faithfulness. it's sunday morning, the most favorite day of mine. waking early, going to the Father in prayer, meditation, reading His word and listening to praise and worship songs. what an awesome jam packed sunday morning even before church....i love it. as i am writing this post i am listing to the song, "the sun is shining" by third day, and it talks about loosing material things, but crying out to the Lord, because the sun is truly shining and He is there each and every day, because a new day's dawning. this made me think of what i previously wrote: His mercies are new every morning GREAT is His faithfulness. each day is a gift from God. just think about it. yesterday is gone and yet, He provides us with a brand new day, a day to notice the blessings, a day to be a blessing to someone, a day to worship Him, a day to live, love, and be loved. a day to look for ways to reach out to others, and the list goes on. each day is an opportunity to allow the joy that comes in the morning, the new day to be part of our lives. if you think about it deeply enough, you can't help but be filled with gratefulness and gratitude, for a God who has blessed us with another day, a fresh start and an opportunity to serve Him. Lord, i pray that i will keep my eyes off of myself, and look at the world as if i were looking through your eyes, seeing a world that is in need, and not only the world but those that are all around me. make me a blessing to someone today. And, Lord thank you for a brand New day.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
turn off the world & listen....
when God speaks do i listen? a thought that is on my mind this morning. i must admit that many times because i have allowed the noise and clutter of this world and the negative voice of Satan to become so loud that i do not become quiet enough to hear the still small voice of God. God longs for a relationship with me. to think that i am His and He is mine, I am His friend, and He is my friend, blows me away. He wants me as His friend to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. He longs for me to turn the world off, become still and listen to His voice because He often speaks and i do not hear. once again however, i must be still. He longs to speak to me, to guide me, to let me know that i am loved, that He cares, and He wants my heart to be renewed daily. but, i must listen, i must live my life worshiping Him. He wants a personal and intimate relationship with me....how simply amazing! He is my Shepherd and as a follower of Christ, I am one of His sheep, much like a sheep that knows the voice of it's Shepherd, i too must recognize it, and follow the ultimate voice of Truth. But, if i allow the noise of this world to become so loud, that i do not tune my ear to Him then i will not receive the message that He so earnestly wants me to hear. may i stop what i am doing, shut off the noise of this world, turn my ear from the one who wishes to destroy me and turn and tune it to the voice of God. but, first i must be still....for He truly is speaking.
Friday, March 18, 2011
i just need to believe & trust
there might be things going on inside of us that we do not understand and may seem quite confusing. but, when we finally come to the place where God wants to bring us, we will see how it has prepared us for what God wanted for us all along.
what i typed above is probably one of the hardest things for me to do. because during the process it involves "trust." amazing how i can trust God to provide food, shelter and finances, but, when it comes to my physical body, that's where it becomes very difficult for me to trust. trust Him with my health? that is a place or destination in which i have not yet arrived. for some it is simple. God commands that we trust in Him with all our hearts and tells us not to lean unto our own understanding. and, yet each day for at least 30 or so years, i have battled with, trusting God with my health, and anything related to my health. you may not battle with this. i do. so, since i decided to be transparent with my blog, i am sharing an area in my life in which i battle with daily. do i know what to do to make the situation better? yes. TRUST. the hard part for me however, is taking that complete leap of faith in the area of my physical health and knowing without a doubt that He will be there to catch me, hold me, cover me, and abide with me, and will take care of me no matter what may come my way. He promises that He will, i just need to believe and yes.....trust.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Forever He will shine!
something that i've said quite frequently is that the sun is always shining. right now, if you live around where i live you are getting the wonderful opportunity to see the beauty of it as well as the sky that is painted such a beautiful shade of blue. but, you know even when it is cloudy the sun is always shining because right above the clouds it is bright and beautiful. of course if you have ever flown in an airplane you have had the first hand experience of seeing this. i think it is awesome! you know the son of God is always shining? He is described as "The Light Of The World" He always shines, He never burns out, but shines bright and glorious. when life sends us clouds, just remember the faithfulness of God, and the fact that He is always there. so, when the sun is out, so is the son. He shines down His love on us, and desires to fill us with joy, peace, compassion, strength, and blessings. so, lift up your hands and heart and receive the warmth of the son of God, who will ALWAYS shine.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
the beauty of my family
the beauty of my family. that's what's on my mind right now. it seems that i was not blessed to have an optimistic attitude naturally like my husband, but God made me just the way i am for a reason. however, if i put my mind and heart into it, i can learn to be optimistic. i'm saying all of that to say that is one thing that i love about my husband, and man does he help me! such a precious joy to have him in my life. He is level headed (thank God!) and he is very patient. and, then there is sarah. what can i say, the girl is cut out of the same pattern as me. sassy creativeness, and love for art and music just covers her from head to toe. to me her red hair fits her personality. she is full of life, loves to have a good time with her friends, and amazingly seems most comfortable in front of a crowd, singing and playing her guitar. she is a precious part of my beautiful family. abigail (abbie) is my sunshine. she is an unbelievable artist (of course a mother would say that)last night (march 15, 2011) we went to the art show at fairmont high school in kettering. abbie has 3 pieces in the show. she made her mother very proud.....i was blown away! i am looking forward to hanging her pictures on a wall in our house. abbie definitely has a natural talent. abbie as well loves the computer, some day she wishes to go into animation....if she stays on this road, i believe the sky is the limit and yes she is a precious part of my beautiful family. well, i suppose i have spent my entire blog "bragging" about my beautiful family. they were on my mind, and to me what a wonderful blessing to think about. i need to do more of recognizing the blessings that are staring me right in the face, blessings that i see each day and learn not to take them for granted. thank you God for such a beautiful and loving family. i guess sometimes a mom just has to brag :)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
what about you?
before i started my blog i had a friend ask me, kim how transparent are you going to allow yourself to really be? my answer was very.
if a person is a Christian,shouldn't Christ be the most important topic?and shouldn't your life be centered around Him?there are those who have suggested,that my thoughts are too much about Christ,and our relationship with Him.that is hard for me to believe.i don't think we talk about God enough.i believe we allow life's situations and conditions to become the central figure of our thinking & we miss out on the blessings that God has for us. is the topic of God and all that He has done for us a downer? to some it must be, but if so, why? why, would the subject of our hope, our heavenly Father, our creator of all of the wonders that we see, the one who sent His only son to die on Calvary's tree be a topic that would create negativity in a person, especially in a person who claims to know the Lord? this i do not nor ever will understand, how an individual can come to the place of feeling this way, have they fallen astray? are they truly born again, or just angry because situations have taken place in their life that has created a hardness so to speak towards the things of God, because most of what has taken place that aids in their feelings, took place within the church and in relation to other Christians. but, several things must be remembered. we all still live in a mortal body, we live in the flesh. since that is the case mistakes are going to be made. we will make them. others will make them, the bottom line is each and every one of us will fall on our faces and make mistakes. it's not in the falling because it is a given that we will all sin, it's in what you do after you fall. do you stay there? do you blame someone else? or do you brush yourself off, look to God for strength and press on? then there's the matter of forgiveness. not a lot really needs to be said about this, it's written very precisely in scripture that if we do not forgive others their transgressions and sins, God will not forgive us of our transgressions and sins. i don't believe it could be anymore direct then that. so, is it wrong to think about the things of God and want Him to be the central figure in our lives? i know what i believe, but, what about you? is it right to blame others for our shortcomings or when we fall? i know what i believe but, what about you? should we forgive others? i know what i believe but, what about you?
Monday, March 14, 2011
what makes a true heart of a servant?
integrity, a thing of the past? or a very important, and vital component in the life of a Christian? If we are to be a true servant of God we must learn to serve others with integrity and honesty. it seems within the world today, integrity has pretty much been set aside and the desire for power, self indulgence, gratification, and satisfaction has taken its place. dishonesty and manipulation have been used to obtain places of greatness or leadership. so much of this has sadly taken the place of integrity. no longer does a persons word mean much of anything. but, in order to mantain honesty we must fight for it, not allowing ourselves to be defeated in the process. If we choose to walk in integrity God will trust us with opportunities to serve. If we have honesty in our lives we will be well on our way to showing the world what really makes a great person great. if we serve with a heart filled with integrity, honesty, and humility and we humble ourselves before God, He will use us for His service and we will obtain the true heart of a servant.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
just one less hour.....
yes, it is sunday morning. as i sit here and begin to type i am reminded frequently of, the time change....yes, the time change. Sunday mornings are always such a favorite time for me. I wake up very early at around 5a.m. and then a special time spent with God begins (after I get my coffee). However, this morning things seem to be way off, and honestly, that's because they are. Because I lost that hour of sleep so far i am writing an entire blog on the "time change" and how losing an hour of sleep can throw everything off. Amazing how just 1 less hour of sleep, can make you feel a bit "off of your rocker" as it has for me. this morning my devotions mention how chocolate can give you energy. ok, let's see....i'm drinking coffee, and i have a chocolate creamer in it, so i should be "good to go" for the day, right? i'm sure however, around 12 this afternoon, i'm either going to need to refuel or crawl under a nice soft blanket and curl-up on the couch, close my eyes and attempt to regain, the hour that i have lost. At about right now I believe I will be choosing the soft blanket and couch.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
it is there that i find my self worth and confidence
as i sat here this morning gazing out of my front picture window, hearing the birds sing and watching them eat from the bird feeder that i put out there, i was thinking, thinking, thinking what i could write in my blog. sometimes thoughts just race through my head and to try and get it down in written form is difficult. but, now i believe i have something to share. too often i put my self worth and confidence in what people may think of me, most likely i lean towards being a people pleaser, i don't know if you deal with that issue sometimes, but, i sure know that i do. God wants us to find our self worth and place our confidence in Christ alone, that's difficult for me to do, maybe it's a control issue....most likely it is. but, you know God doesn't want us to trust or base our value on our physical appearance (man, that sure hits me in the gut!), talents, friends, religion or anything else. No, our self worth and confidence should be placed in God and God alone, it's hard for me to do that and i don't think i'll ever obtain perfection, but He doesn't ask for perfection, He just asks that we strive for that to become a reality in our lives....man, on this journey, i sure need to hold His hand because it is there that i find my self worth and confidence.
Friday, March 11, 2011
a yellow lab named 'nilla'
it seems i have grown so fond of my yellow lab named, "nilla". she is kept in a very special place in my heart. in a few weeks we will be taking her to the vet. a couple of things just don't seem right. she is eating, taking walks, is not losing weight, and seems fine. yet, still we know that she needs to see the vet. of course my mind begins to wander all over the place as to what could possiblly be wrong. i know if something happens to her it would completely break my heart. but, you know God knows all that is important to us....even a yellow lab named "nilla" He knows what we love and what is special to us. each day i put my hand over her tummy and i pray that she will be OK. God knows how special she is to me and i believe He will keep her safe, because to me she is part of our family, even if she is a sweet yellow lab who has been given the name, "nilla"
soon it will appear....
the crazy weather. here where I live, we have a dusting of snow on the ground. i'm ready for spring and just about every one i know would love for it to appear, right now, but, it will within time. spring to me is such a special time of renewal. i do see the sprouts of daffodils coming up, how amazing that some of the spring perennials can push through the ground, when below it is still cold and hard. each spring i am reminded of the resurrection of Christ and the renewal of the Holy Spirit within each one of us that have received the gift of eternal life. an opportunity to start anew, refreshed. the beauty to see buds that are a wonderful shade of green begin to appear on trees. the soft yellows, whites, and the tulips of many different vivid colors, this is what stands out to me. the earth actually "waking" up again after a deep sleep of winter. yes, i am looking forward to spring, as you are....it will come, before we know it, the beauty of spring will appear.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)