"part 4" a journey

this morning i woke up eagerly wanting to write my post because so many thoughts were filling my mind, just waiting to be written. during this period of spending all of my time glued to that couch,we had one great room. sarah was at one desk and abbie was at another. they were taking on line home schooling. so, they were with me 24/7 and witnessed their mom begin to deteriorate away. how sad. they needed me and yet i was not there. i think of this often but, i tell myself i cannot go back and undo what was done because it was then and this is now, but i know that this greatly effected them, especially sarah. during that time sarah would leave Bible verses throughout the house. verses that she looked up and wanted so desperately to pull me out of the abyss that i was in. the verses encouraged me,scott would even take them and read them over and over to me every night and yet because of the foothold that satan had over me, i still worried, and was still living in the bondage of being a hypochondriac still looking for something wrong, still believing there just had to be, still glued to that couch, still skin and bones, not sleeping and still making things so hard on my kids, and yet they loved me, showed such love, hugged me, remained so strong, and yet i know that this time truly had to have effected them, how couldn't it have? Unfortunately, i still found myself just trying to keep my head above the water. what was wrong with me, why wouldn't i listen to the scripture, the still small voice of God? i truly believe it was because satan had a foothold so strong on me and i was allowing him to continue to keep me in bondage. if one has never been in this situation both in state of mind and heart can they fully understand the bondage that is felt. satan cannot possess a person who has received Jesus into their life but, if allowed, can control a person. not being on the right medicine, not thinking in a realistic way, i was finding myself under constant attack. honestly, when it came to this point i found myself crying out to God and not feeling Him. i would run around my house fall on my knees and say, "God, i don't feel You, where are You?" He was there all the time, but i was choosing not to listen, i had come to the point of allowing myself to be controlled by satan....how sad, how horrible, and yes, how horrific. i could go into even more lengthy detail but, if i did it would take so many posts. so, i may only write 2 or 3 more parts to my post called a journey. tomorrow, i will begin the journey that started my road to recovery, etc. hope was on the horizon.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBDLAZFLfIM